Fears in Teaching

The Courage to Teach talks a great deal about fears, about how imperative it is that we learn what our fears are.  Palmer points out that if we don't recognize our own fear, then we cannot recognize the fears of our students.

The other day I was explaining to a colleague with whom I share a classroom that I like my classes best when they are teetering on the edge of chaos.  I distrust the type of quiet learning that comes with a face carved stiffly into stone.  He responded with a chuckle, "Yeah.  I can tell by looking at your speech class."  I know he didn't mean it in any way other than humor, but his words made me feel defensive.  I wanted to stop the polite laughter and say, "What do you mean?"  The exchange showed me that I do feel self-conscious about the edge of chaos I foster.  I'm afraid that people will see my classes and think that we are on the edge of mayhem because I am INCAPABLE of creating order.  The defensiveness came because I wanted to know whether he meant that he appreciated the output of my methods or distrusted them.

When I explained the exchange to my husband, I was able to see more fully, less defensively.  I looked solely at the output for a few minutes.  And I was able to say this, "I feel like my job is to let the wild horses run.  They always always always come back when I call them.  And they produce great work! I don't know how many of my colleagues have gotten 100% of their students to complete 100% of the assignments."  Suddenly, I was proud again, proud that I can be myself in the classroom and get great work from students.    

On page 11 of the book, Palmer writes, "It [is] impossible to claim that all good teachers use similar techniques: some lecture nonstop and others speak very little; some stay close to their material and others loose the imagination; some teach with the carrot and others the stick.... But in every story I have heard, good teachers share one trait: a strong sense of personal identity infuses their work.... Good teachers possess a capacity for connectedness."  For me, when I teach students that it a beautiful thing to BE the wild horses they are at heart, when I let them run in the world of my subject with exuberance and curiosity, when I show them that I can pull them back to order when it is time... For me that is what makes the magic happen.