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Don't Read This if You Don't Like the Word Pee

  Okay... so I think I nearly broke the toilet from plopping down on it so hard to go pee.  WHY did I plop instead of coming in for my usual graceful landing?  Because my best friend encouraged me to go to the gym and take her weight lifting class... and because I did it... and because she's so darn encouraging that I tried to show off how MOST people who don't go to the gym for four months would really stink their first time back... but not me!  I decided that I should prove that I am a superhero who can skip the gym for four months and come in looking fresh and fit and strong as an ox... okay, okay... an ox that can lift a 2kg dumbell.  I decided that these sleeping muscles could SURELY do just as many squats as that cute 60 year old woman in the front row whose gluteus maximus muscles look nice and bouncy.

I'm just going to have to be deliberate about which chairs I go to sit in today.  Spindly antique ones are definitely NOT my best option. 
What this entire experience illuminates for me is that once again I am facing that same ol' battle in my life... the battle that influences me and all of the people I create life with every day.

Here it is:  I think I need more self-discipline than I have.  I beat myself up for not having enough.  It's true.  People who know me might say, "WHAT?  Girl, you give Martha Stewart an artistic run for her money!  You teach, you cook, you make art."  And I do apologize if that sounds like bragging.  They say bragging is bad.  But, the truth is I do all of those things because I LOVE them.  They saturate me.  THEY call to ME.  The things we love are not the parts of life that require discipline, though.  They simply require good time management to make sure we have time to do them.

As I pointed out to my friend as soon as class was over and she was scheduling when I'd be coming back for more (I'm struggling not to write the word torture here) exercise, it's the things we really dislike that we know are really good for us that require self-discipline.  For me, going to the gym when my yoga/tai chi/pilates class is not available takes self-discipline.  Helping Jackson learn his multiplication tables takes self-discipline.  Going across the room to finish those New Year's cards I decided to make for my students?  Self-discipline.   

But, I'm afraid that the internal flogging I give myself until I get distracted by all that glitter and all those beads downstairs is not even the worst part of this battle I face.  The worst part is the civilian casualties.  The worst part is that I have turned my acute sense of failed self-discipline into lenses for the glasses I wear to see the world.  I stand, hyper-vigilant for people who can't control their opinion broadcasting, for people who can't stop complaining, for people who, like my sons (and not my husband -- thank Spirit) leave their clothes on the floor 7 1/2 inches from the hamper.  I see their failures of self-discipline as fodder for criticism or chastisement.  I see my own as a part of who I am.

Today, as I float about my day, trying to impose order on the chaos of several almost-finished projects, including 50 more New Years cards that need to be inscribed, I am going to forgive myself.  I'm even going to forgive myself if I only get nine of them finished, half a coat of paint on some angel wings, and then find myself sitting at the table eating tomatoes, cheese, bread and olive oil for lunch while I watch a movie instead of doing what would really be good for my future.

And, I'm hoping that if I forgive myself I'll be able to forgive everyone else too.

Comments

  1. PamDecember 4, 2010 at 8:30 AM

    Oh Day-I can so relate! When I was in the midst of child rearing I knew the gift I needed to impart most was self discipline; sadly, it was my not gift to give. In my old age, I find it is highly over-rated. The world will not be a less lovely place if your students do not receive a card from you; few will adequately appreciate the art and effort that went into it. When you are breathing your last, you will be glad that you spent your life doing the things you love to do...not wishing you'd spent more time in the gym. Go for a walk with or without the boys and call that your exercise for the day. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it! Go do art!!

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  2. APDecember 4, 2010 at 9:12 AM

    Thanks for this thought this morning. I've been playing with this idea for awhile, with more or less success. As you say, I find that the closer I get, sort of behaviorally, to self-discipline, the farther I get, socially, emotionally, from generosity of spirit. Is it lazy to say we'd rather be generous? It's harder than it should be to feel comfortable there - for the years of messages I think we've gotten and built in ourselves that "perfect" is the only "good." How helpful to have a community that packs the message, "I love you just the way you - authentically - are!" So glad you are a part of mine!

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  3. olivia budzikSeptember 14, 2011 at 8:28 AM

    i remember those cards! i still have it up on my wall. every now and again ill pick it up and read it and it makes me smile. im so glad i have you for english this year. also this entry really make me think of how i am with my homework... i alwayts have a hard time starting andfinishing it. this has made me want to try harder at it. thanks for inspiring me, even though its only a little bit

    -olivia

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