If I only had 37 days, today...

On the days when my pile of papers to grade and cards to write and parties to plan is small, the idea of living my life as though I only had 37 days left seems easy and joyful, a pleasure to be savored. But today I struggle with the idea of CONSEQUENCES...

Today what I'd do is drive down to Prince William National Forest with my family and dog and go for a hike. We'd sit by a creek and listen to running water. We'd lay in the sand with our arms over our eyes and hear no traffic. But, the park is an hour away, the hike takes at least two hours, and who wants to go with a ringing bell looming on the horizon anyway?

Today is, instead, about doing things I already signed up to do, things I've committed myself to, expectations that need fulfilling if I'd like to have a job next year. Today is about papers that need grading, parents that need calling, notebooks that need organizing, kindergarten homework that needs doing (with a smile).

The last week has been about celebrating birthdays and eating cake; making pretty things and talking to people I love on the phone. This morning the fact that I couldn't possibly do what I WANT to do today made me jangly and teary and down right MAD. I felt like my inner-two-year-old was protesting having to take a nap when she was having so much fun! I'm not READY to leave the party! It can't be over yet!

But it is, and I think that's part of the point of claiming my 37 days. If I knew I only had 37 days left, I'd want to take care of things AND go to parties. I'd want to embrace all the parts of my life -- the cake AND the grading -- the kisses and the consequences.

So, today I look at that bell up there and I know it is going to ring just when I'm finished with my work. It's going to ring and I'm going to say, "Ha! I beat you AGAIN!" And then... I'm going to go down to my studio and play with glitter, DAMN IT!

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